Hot Flashes

Yes, hot flashes, what happens when hub is away and the only way to maintain a healthy romantic life is via the telephone....

Husband: “Hi Honey, “What are you wearing my sweetness?”

Wife: “That sexy little thong, the white one with the lacy detail…”

Husband, “Oh baby, you seexxxxxy little girl.”

Wife, “I’m also wearing this really great new bra, it is like, Oh wow! A 29.99 boob job! I love it, I want to buy a whole drawer of them….”

Husband, “I can’t wait to see you in this outfit.”

Wife: "I am also wearing that sheer pink silky long john bottom and top set, really they are like lingerie. I love them, they feel so yummy on my skin, oh I miss you honey, I can’t wait till you got home…”

Husband: “Gee, this is like phone sex.”

Wife: “Dream on big guy. I am also wearing your under armor heavy weight long johns, a lightweight fleece over shirt, a wool plaid shirt, jeans, a vest, three pairs of sox, scarf, my -30 rated super-heavy duty boots and a hat…and the only thing hot about this conversation is that I am warming this whole mess up by the stove so when I go to that hockey game at the OUTDOOR RINK, (and by the way, it is -10) I will not freeze to death!”

Grounds for divorce #7, 492: Reaching that age when if your partner says, “Man, last night was really great!” and you know what they really mean is that they got a good nights sleep.

Grounds for Divorce # 7, 493. Suggesting that wife looks just like she looked 22 pounds ago, that is when she is wearing all that winter gear and then saying stuff like, "I love you no matter how fat you are, I mean were honey. No, I didn't mean it like that...."

Legitimate Grounds for Divorce# 7, 494 :Having phone sex with another woman, especially if she looks better than you do in her -10 gear.

Have a wonderful week everyone and keep someone you love warm!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Sick-Sick Stuff

Wife:” You are the one who wanted the cat, you officially adopted it, and you will clean the cat-box because you know how I feel about cat-boxes!”

Husband: (in that tone) Yes Dear.

Several months later….. after wife has broke down and changed the box several times, she decides to remind husband about his commitment. (This type of conversation is sometimes called n-a-g-g-i-n-g.) It sounds something like this:

Wife: “H-o-n-e-y, don’t forget to clean the cat-box before you leave, I’ll be joining you in later this week and I have a lot to do and I don’t want to get stuck with cleaning the cat-box, let me remind you again that you were the one who wanted to adopt the cat and you promised me that you would change Mow-Mow’s box r-e-g-u-l-a-r-l-y.

Husband: (In that tone) “Yes Dear.”

Grounds for Divorce # 7, 491: Wife realizes that Mow-Mow’s box was never changed---like she asked--, but she takes her chances and leaves kitty in charge of the house and departs to join her husband in the big city for a nice weekend of room service and fun (compliments of his new company.)

Sunday Night: Wife returns home to find that all is well, well, almost all is well, except for that funky smell. Wife goes looking for the odor and discovers that kitty has decided to use guest bed ad a litter box, and he wee-weed and left little tootsie roll turdies are all over the covers. Wife says many inappropriate words (to herself as she rehearses what she will say to husband) and she also thinks several unkind thoughts about husbands ancestory.....no, she better not say that...!
Ultimately, she decides the best punishment is for him to have to clean up the mess . That's right, she will leave it all till he get’s home-dammmmnit!
However, the thought of kitty potty all over the bed grosses wife out so she arms herself with rubber gloves and a can of Lysol and returns to the room the next day only to discover that all the turdies are gone? Gone?
Then wife sees the doggie in the corner of the room, chewing on something—brown-- that is NOT a tootsie rool!!!

Wife is too grossed out to write anymore.

Eeeeeeeeeowwwwww! What was that man thinking?

That was Sunday night.

By Monday I realised our son was sick, by Tuesday he was worse. Today is Saturday, He woke up, came into the kitchen and hurled. That is how today started. I feel house-bound and I never want to smell another grape popsicle as long as I live. The dog ate part of the carpeting, the shower handle broke off and I still have to haul water out to the geese and chickens. I also need to go and chop wood and my man is still out of town, seems I've done this before.....

The thing is, we did promice, through sickness and health. Come to think on it, that does not only mean our own sickness, but through our childrdrens infirmaitys, through the process of easing our parents aging process, and in our case, learning to deal with the heartbreak of watching one of our grown children suffer their way through mental illness. It is heartbreaking.I have never discussed this before, but I think my other theme this month is confessions. Through it all hub and I have learned to hold on and hold eachother close, to cry and eventually to laugh. Some days I wish we didn't have to go through all this,that somehow we could have drawn different cards as far as what illness we would have to get through. Really, I think having a child with diabetes would have been easier to handle. Probably not--don't we often wish for a different hand? Maybe it is the hand we are delt that helps make us who we are.

I have to marvel at the silly stuff that some couples worry over, like the doggie eating kitty tootsie rolls. It truly is small stuff, gross, stinky, sick, yucky small stuff.

So, be well everyone, for goodness sakes, wash your hands, take your vitamins cover your nose and keep on the sunny side.

Thanks AKDDU for the hilarious caption, you rock.